Becoming too afraid of rejections

6th June 2018

I spent the day drafting cover letters, researching my industry, learning about personal developments. Overall, overwhelming day with overload of information. I am doing my best at staying neutral (something I learnt from Lewis Howes' podcast) but it's so easy for my emotions to sway. I can get a temporary high from looking at my winning stocks and slump down again as soon as I get a rejection letter and then back up.

Rejection is something so cliche and I'm quite certain everyone have or is experiencing it. It can be from a job, relationships, yourself maybe. For the longest time, I did not like myself. I didn't like the way I look, I didn't like how I am not like others, I don't like my body and at one point, suicidal thoughts crossed my mind. But over time, these things faded away and I "healed". I joined the gym, started loving my body and accepting the way I look. I have also overcome the relationship I had with food. My teens were probably the most toxic years. From time to time these toxic thoughts come when I'm at my lows like a haunting ghost.

In this "transformed" me, I'm more confident and actually have the guts to ask guys out. Went for a few dates and realized I was doing it to fill a void. The void where I needed someone to fill it. Growing up, I have always thought I'll date someone by 21, get married at 28 and that checklist would be checked. Reviewing that "goal" now, what's the outcome of that? Why are we coaxed as kids to have these "goals". I am happy on my own and I still would be happy if someone came into my life.

And this is where befuddlement begins. I like myself as a person. And I know what I want in someone be it in a partner or friends. But I can't figure out, for the life of me, how to get to the "open for relationship" status.

I lose interest in guys pretty easily. I can be in to you for an hour (or 5 minutes) and once something from a conversation ticks or I get bored, I get turned off. I'm out. OR.

Some guy seem to show interest but he is actually not interested. (which is quite common) OR

I get interested in a guy. For 3 years. I don't mention anything about going to the next level. Wouldn't even dare to ask him out. I don't want to know the answer because I am too afraid of losing that relationship. I love the banter we have, the jokes we developed through the years. I look forward to seeing him every time. I get excited. My heart feels like it's being dropped down the stairs. The "you would never know if you don't ask" swims through my mind, and I know it would put me out of my misery.

I guess I'll conclude and say that past rejections can haunt your decisions, not knowing is scary, but something has to change.

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