I'm Confused but I think I'm Hurting

For the longest time, I have been struggling with the feeling of being "empty". Living a life without a purpose, no one to see, nothing to be excited about. And today, I felt it creeping back.

I was in a good (ish) state last year. Things were going well. I got good scores for my subjects. I had something to work towards. And I was surrounded by people. Not friends. Just strangers. My skin was at a good place and I was just this beaming light of energy.

About that time this year, or now, I feel miserable. It feels as though I am a soul without a heart and I am in search of that heart where I am clueless as to where to start. The dream job didn't come through, that's  fine, wasn't thrilled about it, but I got another job. Mend friendships and moving towards healthier, more open conversations. Also filtering people out who I felt was not adding any value to my life.
Met someone who I feel like is (was?)  another version of me. The things we had in common was surreal, I never felt like I connected so much. I didn't think it was possible. Thoughts and feelings ranged from topics like government policies to human behaviour. It made me latch on to little things. Conversations, facial expressions, body language etc. I am confused as to what this person was expressing. On one hand he seemed pretty interest in being more than a friend, but on the other, doesn't express it. What if this person is just not interested and I misread all the signs.

But there is a little voice screaming "but he told you so".

Could he have lied about it?

Doubts dashed through my mind. What if I am not good enough? Was it the acne scarring on my face which made me "unsightly"? What's wrong with me? Was I too eager?  Was he playing with my feelings? Was that all a lie? Is he not interested anymore? What did I do that pushed him away? Am I overthinking it? Is there someone else?

I am frustrated with myself for letting my guard down, liking, trusting someone else. I am furious that someone can make me so insecure of myself. I feel sorry for myself for having to make excuses for him, "he's probably busy" is a popular one. I am agitated every time he leaves me on read. I am disappointed that I wasn't able to screen this person properly. I am sick to the core for feeling I wasn't enough.

I want to say fuck him, get the fuck on with your life. You are so much better than this fucked up wretched mess. There are others who are going to appreciate your time and effort better than this douche. If he was interested, he would act interested, he will do it because he wants to.

I am holding on to that that glimmer of hope where, this could work, it just takes time. At the same time, feeling like a fool, hurt and on the verge of sobs.

I was so excited to have met someone, but now, I feel like it would have been better if I hadn't.